January 19, 2019
Turns out swearing is a lifestyle choice, just like being gay! It’s confirmed by our pal Mike Huckabee. In discussing friendship with gays, Huckabee explained to CNN: “People can be my friends who have lifestyles that are not necessarily my lifestyle. I don’t use profanity, but believe me, I’ve got a lot of friends who do.”
See there? You’re not born cussing like a sailor. You’re not genetically pre-disposed to dropping f-bombs. It’s a lifestyle choice, no different than being gay! Screaming “d*ckhead” and giving “d*ckhead” are just two different choices!
So we say: why not swap one for the other? Next time you stub your toe, just bite your tongue…and then bite the nearest shirtless Abercrombie model. Stuck in traffic behind that slowpoke? Don’t scream “kiss my ass!” Instead, go ahead and gently kiss his. Your team losing the big game? Forget yelling “bullsh*t,” channel that anger and find a bull dyke. If you can cuss, you can have gay sex (come on, have you ever watched porn)?!
Of course, if swearing really equated to being gay, Dr. Dre would have married Ludacris years ago. And if gay sex is no different than cussing, George Michael likely has a severe case of undiagnosed Tourettes.
We know Mike believes he’s well intentioned. The old “some of my best friends are cussing, drinking, goat marrying pedophiles.” But haven’t we moved beyond comparing gays to foul mouthed, alcoholic deviants? Most of the “gays” we know are kind, funny, compassionate people, with the same aspirations and dreams (and yes, shortcomings) as everybody else. And we have yet to meet anybody in the GLBTQ community who simply “decided” one day they’d start being gay.
In the end, if Huckabee really wants to conflate profanity with being gay, we suggest he eliminate the middle man, and simply go f**k himself 🙂
Oh, and to celebrate Huckabee’s proclamation that being gay is just like “cussing and drinking,” we’ll be featuring both profanity*AND* booze at our next improv performance! Be sure to snag your tickets now by clicking right here, and we’ll see ya Valentine’s Day!